1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at
the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music
store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them
8. Stomp on unopened tomato ketchup packets at Burger King...
8 1/2 ...but save a few
to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food."
9. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while
reading aloud from "Dianetics."
10. Ask mall cops for stories of World War II.
11. Ask a salesman why
a particular television set is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange
look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
12. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
13. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming
14. Test mattresses in your pjyamas.
15. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full
16. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to
16. Sprint up the down escalator.
17. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers
whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."
18. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tv's that play only
19. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
20. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department
how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
21. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
whether there's much meat on them.
22. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
23. Ask for red-tinted
lenses at the optometrist.
24. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle
of Eau de Swane.
25. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
26. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
27. In the
changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
28. Leave on the plastic string connecting
a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
29. Play the tuba for change.
Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Like a Virgin."
31. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards,
and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
32. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which
leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz."
33. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have
"any giant crap made out of straw."
34. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
36. Ask the information desk for a pram(stroller),
and someone to push you around in it.
37. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved
by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling
"scratch one flattop!"
39. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that
none of them are "leakproof."
40. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
41. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
42. Pay for all your purchases
with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
43. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa
to sit on *your* lap.
44. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
45. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
46. At the stylist,
ask to have the hair on your back permed.
47. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've
seen this man."
48. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,
and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
49. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they don't realise it.
50. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code
3 in housewares," and see what happens.
51. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
53. Look right
into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
54. Make a trail of orange juice on the
floor, leading to the restrooms.
55. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
58. Set up a tent in the camping department and
tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
59. In the auto
department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
60. Hide in the clothing rack and when people
browse through say, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
61. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position
and mumble, 'It's those voices again'.
62. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey! We're out of toilet
paper in here!"
63. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
64. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
"Test" the tooth brushes. Afterwards, place them back on the shelves in their packaging.
66. Walk up to complete
strangers and say,"Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. and see if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
Ride Escalators up and down.
68. Take objects off counters and place them in unsuspecting shoper's baggages.
Place "Kick me " signs on unsuspecting mall cops.
70. Unleash a box full of ants in stores.
you are answering to someone very loudley, when people tell you to be quiet yell "Shut up i am talking to the voices".
At fast food restaurant areas, show people your scabs, blisters and moles.
73. Well people are about to buy a video
game tell them its not so good, the trick is to see how many people you can convince not to buy a game.
74. Ask Mall
cops lots of questions(this works well if you have a frined for stealing distractions:} )
75. When someone enters
a store, put a sticker on them revieling your the(number)'th customer to enter the store, enjoy your stay.
by picture booths, when a couple is about to take a picture, immedialey jump in with a good excuse.
77. Free the
animals in the pet store, tell the store owner the voices in your head told you to complete this task.
78. Set all
the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5
79. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the
80. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official
tone,' Code 3' in house
wares,...and see what happens.
81. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay
Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
83. While handling guns in the hunting
department, ask the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
84. Dart around the store suspiciously while
the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
85. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
86. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO!
It's those voices again!!!"
87. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and
then yell loudly "There's
no toilet paper in here."
88. Juggle the fruits.
Wedge things in all the freezer and refrigerator doors so that they don't close all the way.
Buy a live lobster and set it free in the store.
91. Shake all the sodas.
92. Have shopping cart races down the aisles.
Talk to the fresh fish.
94. Dump the tray of food samples in your purse.
95. Pop the champagne bottles.
Use cantaloupes for bowling balls and pineapples for bowling pins and hold a bowling tournament in the aisles.
94. "Accidentally" drop a jar of pickles and walk away very, very fast.
95. Fill a shopping cart with things like toilet paper, diapers, and kleenex and leave
it in the cereal aisle.
96. Throw a party.
Use a banana as a telephone and talk to your Aunt Martha.
98. Go to
sleep in a shopping cart in the middle of an aisle.
99. Make race car
noises as you "drive" your shopping cart up and down the aisles.
Try to auction off a grapefruit.
101. When they ask you if you want
"paper or plastic" reply, "Papestic please."
102. Switch the price labels
on very expensive items with those of very cheap items.
103. Play hopscotch
on the tiles on the floor.
104. Tell them you are with the Department
of Health and you need to test all of their foods.
105. Get in the express
line with more than ten items.
106. Try a food sample and then say in
a loud voice, "This tastes horrible!"
107. Whenever someone is
blocking the aisle in front of you go "beep beep!"
108. Buy 75 sticks
109. Randomly stick boxes of Midol into guys' shopping
carts when they aren't looking.
110. Ask one of the cashiers if they
have any pork that is suitable for a sacrificial offering.
"Mary Had a Little Lamb" very loudly while walking around the supermarket with a shopping cart full of lamb chops.
112. Play with the pet toys.
Stick grapes in your mouth and spit them at people who aren't looking. When they turn around look the other way.
114. One word: kleptomania!
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
117. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
119. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
120. Make a trail
of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
121. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest
voice possible "sex and candy"
122. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've
got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
123. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all
on and turn the volumes to "10".
124. Play with the automatic doors.
125. Try putting different pairs of
women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
126. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands
of the mannequins.
127. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow.
128. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
129. Set up a tent in the camping department;
tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
130. Contaminate the entire auto
department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
"test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
132. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
133. TP as much of the store as possible.
134. Randomly throw things
over into neighboring aisles.
135. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
137. Look right into the
security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
138. Take up the whole isle with the battle between
Batman vs. the X-Men.
139. Take bets on the battle described above.
140. Set up another battlefield with
G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
141. Dart around suspiciously while
humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."
142. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
to fit others into very large gym bags.
144. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop
when you attempt to buy them.
145. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
146. Two words:
147. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
the CD's in Electronics.
149. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat
man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
150. While walking around alone,
pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin
crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed
ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
152. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines
and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a
little umbrella in it.
153. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly,
saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
154. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting
one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles
155. When someone steps away from their
cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
156. Follow people through the aisles,
always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
157. Ask other customers
if they have any Grey Poupon.
158. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Redress the mannequins as you see fit.
160. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
161. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
162. Challenge other customers
to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
163. Pay off layaways fifty cents
at a time.
164. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct
me to your Twinkies?"
165. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e.,
"Do you have any Shnerples here?"
166. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test
167. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the
British are coming "